Sam, thank you for sharing the physicality and your personal experience finding the sublime during hell week. I would add that it was the self imposed “top shelf” challenge that very few of us experience. For me it was first just to run a marathon and then to run it faster. I trained for it and I knew that I will hit “the wall” (switching fuel tanks from depleted sugar to burning fat). What I didn’t expect is the questioning of “why am I doing this”?. I knew I can stop and enter the warm “ambulance”, but I never did. The memory of the challenge carried to personal and business challenges. “Never give up” became my mantra.
Thanks for sharing Barry, running a marathon and at maximum capacity is an incredible experience. My sense is rituals are all related and come in many different forms, and it is difficult to rank them given how radically different our opportunities are, interests, backgrounds, etc. That’s the beautiful part of the ritual—it does not need to be one small niche process but it can be global.
As always, well written Sam. It’s impossible to read without wondering if I would’ve chosen the ambulance or continued to stand arms linked with my brothers. I’ll never know. It is a tragedy of modern life that we are rarely, if ever, tested.
I have to imagine your humility, on top of your own real life experiences that are more powerful than any simulated rituals, is proof enough of what you would do. I appreciate it, Marshall.
Sam without a doubt one of your best posts to date. It is a high bar for you exceed by the way! (You’re used to that..) fear, obscurity, infinity and power…hmmm. When I got to Quantico day one of the first six weeks of absolute shit (being a PLC as a freshman) I had the luxury of waiting a whole summer before the next increment. (By then by the way l, General Wilson and General Barrow had revamped OCS….it got waaay harder in many ways) At any rate Fear. Just terror, nothing in my perfectly protected world of previledge prepared me for what was coming and kept coming for 6 weeks. Relentless, little sleep, hot humid etc etc. everyday was terror and the leadership knew it and kept the screws turned. Fast forward to the second increment. Physically way more demanding, plus introduction of rifle squad tactics. (Ridiculously rudimentary but you build on basics) Everything was ramped up. Fear had left the building, as had obscurity, they drilled into everyone, who here has what it takes to be a USMC commissioned officer. We were nothings, meat to grind. Obscure. Lots of sea bags on the parade grinder at the end of week four…they had had enough. Infinity came as we were hunkered down gaining night vision maybe one of the few times the instructors were silent other than to kick someone awake if they were dumb enough to snore…as the night came on “evening colors” was sounding in the distance yeah I know we didn’t hop up and salute…ssshhh! We were tactical, well sorta..Power came slowly not sure when or where but it built on the foundation the officers and senior NCO’s had laid down, especially the E6 and E7’s relentless and they decide to a large extent who’s going to be commissioned into “their Corps”.
There isn’t the time or money to create the intensity of BUDS first phase, but they tried their best to wring out the least able and were enormously successful at it. If Navy SEAL’s are filet mignon then the Corps is prime Hamburger, you need both and face it we are as a force, expendable, SEALS are not, and ought not be either. It takes too long and is too unique and special to waste the talent. That said we are forged from the same iron, and iron sharpens iron. Just a matter of how sharp..Somewhere in that path, power came into my brain and soul, I wasn’t scared anymore, I was no longer obscure, I had seen infinity even if only briefly and I had a power, “fuck you staff Sargent Jones…I can PT and be harassed all day long you ain’t stopping me from being and 0302..” of course that was all in my head, would never lose it out loud! I agree completely that if we had males from antiquity they would be better prepared for the rigors of BUDS and certainly USMC OCS. Our nation as a whole has not been tested hard enough over the last 80 years. Only 1% serve in the military and a tiny fraction of that do what you have done. The day is coming Sam when shit will it the fan, then it will be on us to take the lead again and remind all “toughen up butter cup you ain’t seen nothin yet.” Thanks again for the posts!
This is one of my favorite comments to date, and this one of favorite quotes: "If Navy SEAL’s are filet mignon then the Corps is prime Hamburger." And this is my second: "“fuck you staff Sargent Jones…I can PT and be harassed all day long you ain’t stopping me from being and 0302..”" I literally had "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" running on repeat in my head for almost the entirety of the three days before I hit the zone on Wednesday night. Just pure rebellion that felt oh so good.
Thank you for giving me some excellent ideas to chew on.
Man I just laughed out loud! So hard!! It is a mind set. I think there was a drip drip case to be made prior to enlisting. We had a great cross country running team in high school. Great worldly WWII army artillery FO who had fought against the Germans across France and onwards. Was awarded the Silver Star. Yet, a complete zen master (he is the guy who got me reading TS Eliot). At any rate we had a hilly home course, we were good on hills. One workout consisted of intervals up a 1/4 mile long upward slope with a two or three large walnut trees, ergo “walnut hill.” It was a key tactical race feature for us in duel home meets. It was also a Monday or Thursday ball buster. My second season as a sophomore and first as 5 man on the varsity we headed out on a Monday and began running “hills”, the year before we had run 26 and that was considered a lot. On this murky monday right about this time of year we started off. 10-15-20-then how many do you think he is gonna make us run…25..26..shit was getting real, then a mist appeared, at first just the top of the hill was covered 27..28th mist rolled down the hill and we shrouded in mist. Now as we went up only footfalls and heavy breathing….29…30….at some point I stopped worrying about “how many”. At 32 he called it good. The coach later said we could have done 40, but didn’t want to wear us out for the sake of a number. But we had proved something to ourselves, we had no idea how strong were or could be. Which I think is part of our warrior ethos. So exactly to whomever challenges us…fuck you, fuck you….phuuckk yooooo!
Thank you for planting this thought in my mind! I have to imagine, though obviously not from personal experience, a natural childbirth is probably the most sublime event imaginable. Power, vastness, fear, and obscurity—it is all of them and it very well might put to shame any selection process. Thank you as well for giving me something new to think about.
While I have never physically gone through challenges like this, I have mentally challenged myself with goals seemingly out of my wheelhouse and have achieved a modicum of the sublime.
The goals both were professional and taken on late in my career, not only for growth on my part but to show my kids what can be done when you focus and persevere through the “why am I doing this” phase.
What I haven’t been able to do is express it in such a brilliant way as you have here.
This has now become mandatory reading for the “Smails” kids.
I am truly grateful it struck you. The sublime is everywhere, at all times, there for those who want to find. Thank you for the comment. I wish you and all the Smails all the best.
I do admire the way you have taken the grist of your military training and spun it into a life-affirming philosophy, Sam.
My only peek into what you write about was during my internship year where I felt that my whole career (and professional self) was threatened with annihilation. Some of my peers did crack and quit under the strain. I did have a “Wednesday” experience when I suddenly realized I could make it through the year. It was a glorious victory, and I have processed that experience for years to put it in perspective. It’s a hard path to wisdom that only shines in the rear-view mirror!
Let's go Baird. Every trial is different, and how each of us responds to it—and makes something of it—is different as well. The sublime is everywhere, we just need to know how to access it. Thank you for sharing.
A visceral piece for sure dude. One of your best to date. I loved the audio you had embedded too. Huge admiration for anyone who can go through this kind of experience, and come out the other side. Lots of lessons to learn from people with your experience.
Yes. The experience of suffering embeds meaning in our being, wisdom. Thank you for having the guts to dissect that and present it for inspection. As a father I have been hesitant to explain the depths of suffering to my children for fear that it may discourage them. Your clarity has shown me the importance that it must be shared if human society is to regain its foothold on this spinning rock. Thank you for making this digestible for the next generations. That this singular moment in time is all that exists ... and it is enough.
Robert, thank you for framing this so eloquently. We need that "foothold" back and we need it back now. Who knows how much of the self-destruction happening in America and around the modern world is due to a simple lack of rituals that root us in the moment, gratitude for life itself.
“I am convinced if we do not have an enemy to orient ourselves to, we make of ourselves an enemy. Yes, we might snap out of this self-sabotage with a bit of suffering or a near death experience.”
Beautifully written Sam. The closest I’ve come to what you describe is once having spent a cold night at 13,000 feet in the Rockies after a broken ankle on a solo hike—13 miles from where I started and anywhere else.
Another would be my battle with alcohol. Both times I needed the to find the enemy to survive my own weakness.
Thanks for helping me pull an honest thread on both those experiences with your essay.
I wrote that quoted portion from personal experience, Dee. I was and still am in many ways my own worst enemy.
Yours are two stellar examples, and both of them real world which makes them all the more intense. There is probably several lifetimes of wisdom to plumb from each them.
Thank you for dropping your thoughts and experiences, I always love hearing how others have met with difficulty and made of it something beautiful.
Beautiful writing, and I truly believe you are right; the return of ritual would allow us to know who we truly are.
Modern society, however, will be difficult to convince, I think. We are conditioned to sympathise with those who seek the warm . ambulance, rather than encourage them to try again in a different field. All must have prizes, writ large - except it restricts access to the ultimate prize you describe so well.
This is well said, Katy. That is a going to be a massive hurdle, and I am not sure it's possible. But if we even reach 5% of the next generation they can then have an even greater impact. This is happening, slowly but surely. The toughest part is keeping it alive against those who want to see it extinguished forever. It is a good fight.
Amazing Sam! I have the utmost respect for the trials you all went through to qualify for even more tests in the field. Your essay gives us insight into how demanding and awakening the experience must have been.
The only test I went through (which was a minuscule trial compared to your own) was hunting elk in snowy below zero weather in NW Colorado. The hunt was successful, but boy I had to work at it. Great post, Sam!
This is great! The sublime is everywhere, in every difficult trial, as long as we know how to see it and make the most of it, and it sounds like you may have glimpsed it on that mountain hunt. I appreciate your thoughts.
Sam, thank you for sharing the physicality and your personal experience finding the sublime during hell week. I would add that it was the self imposed “top shelf” challenge that very few of us experience. For me it was first just to run a marathon and then to run it faster. I trained for it and I knew that I will hit “the wall” (switching fuel tanks from depleted sugar to burning fat). What I didn’t expect is the questioning of “why am I doing this”?. I knew I can stop and enter the warm “ambulance”, but I never did. The memory of the challenge carried to personal and business challenges. “Never give up” became my mantra.
Thanks for sharing Barry, running a marathon and at maximum capacity is an incredible experience. My sense is rituals are all related and come in many different forms, and it is difficult to rank them given how radically different our opportunities are, interests, backgrounds, etc. That’s the beautiful part of the ritual—it does not need to be one small niche process but it can be global.
As always, well written Sam. It’s impossible to read without wondering if I would’ve chosen the ambulance or continued to stand arms linked with my brothers. I’ll never know. It is a tragedy of modern life that we are rarely, if ever, tested.
I have to imagine your humility, on top of your own real life experiences that are more powerful than any simulated rituals, is proof enough of what you would do. I appreciate it, Marshall.
You're exploration of the revelatory nature of suffering is just getting better and better.
Sam without a doubt one of your best posts to date. It is a high bar for you exceed by the way! (You’re used to that..) fear, obscurity, infinity and power…hmmm. When I got to Quantico day one of the first six weeks of absolute shit (being a PLC as a freshman) I had the luxury of waiting a whole summer before the next increment. (By then by the way l, General Wilson and General Barrow had revamped OCS….it got waaay harder in many ways) At any rate Fear. Just terror, nothing in my perfectly protected world of previledge prepared me for what was coming and kept coming for 6 weeks. Relentless, little sleep, hot humid etc etc. everyday was terror and the leadership knew it and kept the screws turned. Fast forward to the second increment. Physically way more demanding, plus introduction of rifle squad tactics. (Ridiculously rudimentary but you build on basics) Everything was ramped up. Fear had left the building, as had obscurity, they drilled into everyone, who here has what it takes to be a USMC commissioned officer. We were nothings, meat to grind. Obscure. Lots of sea bags on the parade grinder at the end of week four…they had had enough. Infinity came as we were hunkered down gaining night vision maybe one of the few times the instructors were silent other than to kick someone awake if they were dumb enough to snore…as the night came on “evening colors” was sounding in the distance yeah I know we didn’t hop up and salute…ssshhh! We were tactical, well sorta..Power came slowly not sure when or where but it built on the foundation the officers and senior NCO’s had laid down, especially the E6 and E7’s relentless and they decide to a large extent who’s going to be commissioned into “their Corps”.
There isn’t the time or money to create the intensity of BUDS first phase, but they tried their best to wring out the least able and were enormously successful at it. If Navy SEAL’s are filet mignon then the Corps is prime Hamburger, you need both and face it we are as a force, expendable, SEALS are not, and ought not be either. It takes too long and is too unique and special to waste the talent. That said we are forged from the same iron, and iron sharpens iron. Just a matter of how sharp..Somewhere in that path, power came into my brain and soul, I wasn’t scared anymore, I was no longer obscure, I had seen infinity even if only briefly and I had a power, “fuck you staff Sargent Jones…I can PT and be harassed all day long you ain’t stopping me from being and 0302..” of course that was all in my head, would never lose it out loud! I agree completely that if we had males from antiquity they would be better prepared for the rigors of BUDS and certainly USMC OCS. Our nation as a whole has not been tested hard enough over the last 80 years. Only 1% serve in the military and a tiny fraction of that do what you have done. The day is coming Sam when shit will it the fan, then it will be on us to take the lead again and remind all “toughen up butter cup you ain’t seen nothin yet.” Thanks again for the posts!
This is one of my favorite comments to date, and this one of favorite quotes: "If Navy SEAL’s are filet mignon then the Corps is prime Hamburger." And this is my second: "“fuck you staff Sargent Jones…I can PT and be harassed all day long you ain’t stopping me from being and 0302..”" I literally had "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" running on repeat in my head for almost the entirety of the three days before I hit the zone on Wednesday night. Just pure rebellion that felt oh so good.
Thank you for giving me some excellent ideas to chew on.
Man I just laughed out loud! So hard!! It is a mind set. I think there was a drip drip case to be made prior to enlisting. We had a great cross country running team in high school. Great worldly WWII army artillery FO who had fought against the Germans across France and onwards. Was awarded the Silver Star. Yet, a complete zen master (he is the guy who got me reading TS Eliot). At any rate we had a hilly home course, we were good on hills. One workout consisted of intervals up a 1/4 mile long upward slope with a two or three large walnut trees, ergo “walnut hill.” It was a key tactical race feature for us in duel home meets. It was also a Monday or Thursday ball buster. My second season as a sophomore and first as 5 man on the varsity we headed out on a Monday and began running “hills”, the year before we had run 26 and that was considered a lot. On this murky monday right about this time of year we started off. 10-15-20-then how many do you think he is gonna make us run…25..26..shit was getting real, then a mist appeared, at first just the top of the hill was covered 27..28th mist rolled down the hill and we shrouded in mist. Now as we went up only footfalls and heavy breathing….29…30….at some point I stopped worrying about “how many”. At 32 he called it good. The coach later said we could have done 40, but didn’t want to wear us out for the sake of a number. But we had proved something to ourselves, we had no idea how strong were or could be. Which I think is part of our warrior ethos. So exactly to whomever challenges us…fuck you, fuck you….phuuckk yooooo!
So good. And so ancient. We need more of the current generations to have memories like this!
Love this Sam!
What a riveting story that gives shape and depth to an experience most of us will never have.
I share your concerns with the questions you pose.
As a mother, I wonder if natural childbirth could be considered among those rituals you speak of?
While not five days long, there is the harsh reality that the only way out is through. There’s literally no way to quit until it’s done.
By the second and any subsequent births, you realize what you face yet must go through it again.
Every time, death is a real possibility.
Just like so many other “normal” ancient rituals, we have industrialized even this completely natural process.
There’s much more to ponder with the big questions you’ve posed here.
Thanks for getting the gears turning. I’ll be dwelling within these questions for a time.
Thank you for planting this thought in my mind! I have to imagine, though obviously not from personal experience, a natural childbirth is probably the most sublime event imaginable. Power, vastness, fear, and obscurity—it is all of them and it very well might put to shame any selection process. Thank you as well for giving me something new to think about.
While I have never physically gone through challenges like this, I have mentally challenged myself with goals seemingly out of my wheelhouse and have achieved a modicum of the sublime.
The goals both were professional and taken on late in my career, not only for growth on my part but to show my kids what can be done when you focus and persevere through the “why am I doing this” phase.
What I haven’t been able to do is express it in such a brilliant way as you have here.
This has now become mandatory reading for the “Smails” kids.
God bless you Sam.
I am truly grateful it struck you. The sublime is everywhere, at all times, there for those who want to find. Thank you for the comment. I wish you and all the Smails all the best.
I do admire the way you have taken the grist of your military training and spun it into a life-affirming philosophy, Sam.
My only peek into what you write about was during my internship year where I felt that my whole career (and professional self) was threatened with annihilation. Some of my peers did crack and quit under the strain. I did have a “Wednesday” experience when I suddenly realized I could make it through the year. It was a glorious victory, and I have processed that experience for years to put it in perspective. It’s a hard path to wisdom that only shines in the rear-view mirror!
Let's go Baird. Every trial is different, and how each of us responds to it—and makes something of it—is different as well. The sublime is everywhere, we just need to know how to access it. Thank you for sharing.
This is impressive stuff, Sam 👌🏻 Embracing adversity in training will be my new format, or ritual should i say. Thanks for sharing pal
Rock on, Will. Thank you for reading and I'm stoked you enjoyed it.
"When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle." - Edmund Burke
Your voice, and those with similar courage, might just save us from ourselves. Excellent read. Thank you for sharing.
I feel that comment applies more to you than to me, but I appreciate it. Thank you for the opportunity to learn such a lesson.
A visceral piece for sure dude. One of your best to date. I loved the audio you had embedded too. Huge admiration for anyone who can go through this kind of experience, and come out the other side. Lots of lessons to learn from people with your experience.
I appreciate it, Enda. The video makes me laugh. It is just such another world and one that is good to remember. Thank you.
Jesus-thank you for holding the mirror up to my face. And for allowing all of us to glimpse and hopefully realize these truths.
You're more than welcome Mark. I use that mirror on myself every day and as much as it hurts, it is essential.
Yes. The experience of suffering embeds meaning in our being, wisdom. Thank you for having the guts to dissect that and present it for inspection. As a father I have been hesitant to explain the depths of suffering to my children for fear that it may discourage them. Your clarity has shown me the importance that it must be shared if human society is to regain its foothold on this spinning rock. Thank you for making this digestible for the next generations. That this singular moment in time is all that exists ... and it is enough.
Robert, thank you for framing this so eloquently. We need that "foothold" back and we need it back now. Who knows how much of the self-destruction happening in America and around the modern world is due to a simple lack of rituals that root us in the moment, gratitude for life itself.
“I am convinced if we do not have an enemy to orient ourselves to, we make of ourselves an enemy. Yes, we might snap out of this self-sabotage with a bit of suffering or a near death experience.”
Beautifully written Sam. The closest I’ve come to what you describe is once having spent a cold night at 13,000 feet in the Rockies after a broken ankle on a solo hike—13 miles from where I started and anywhere else.
Another would be my battle with alcohol. Both times I needed the to find the enemy to survive my own weakness.
Thanks for helping me pull an honest thread on both those experiences with your essay.
I wrote that quoted portion from personal experience, Dee. I was and still am in many ways my own worst enemy.
Yours are two stellar examples, and both of them real world which makes them all the more intense. There is probably several lifetimes of wisdom to plumb from each them.
Thank you for dropping your thoughts and experiences, I always love hearing how others have met with difficulty and made of it something beautiful.
Beautiful writing, and I truly believe you are right; the return of ritual would allow us to know who we truly are.
Modern society, however, will be difficult to convince, I think. We are conditioned to sympathise with those who seek the warm . ambulance, rather than encourage them to try again in a different field. All must have prizes, writ large - except it restricts access to the ultimate prize you describe so well.
This is well said, Katy. That is a going to be a massive hurdle, and I am not sure it's possible. But if we even reach 5% of the next generation they can then have an even greater impact. This is happening, slowly but surely. The toughest part is keeping it alive against those who want to see it extinguished forever. It is a good fight.
Wonderful
Thank you
Amazing Sam! I have the utmost respect for the trials you all went through to qualify for even more tests in the field. Your essay gives us insight into how demanding and awakening the experience must have been.
The only test I went through (which was a minuscule trial compared to your own) was hunting elk in snowy below zero weather in NW Colorado. The hunt was successful, but boy I had to work at it. Great post, Sam!
This is great! The sublime is everywhere, in every difficult trial, as long as we know how to see it and make the most of it, and it sounds like you may have glimpsed it on that mountain hunt. I appreciate your thoughts.