A Debate with the Road Rage Version of Myself

Or how to regain command of the inner discourse

This is what happens when I get stuck in traffic

Nothing incites anger within me like waiting in lines, but traffic most of all. Unlike in a line, I can’t just walk out and give up on the thing I'm waiting for. I'm physically stuck inside of a vehicle.

And when I'm sitting there inside of this metal box, surrounded by other boxes on all sides, I shake my head at the malevolence of the universe for causing my present condition; I think of all the other things I’d rather be doing; I curse the stupidity of the shoulders and backs of heads that I can see through windows and around seat backs.

No matter how I begin the drive, my mood radically changes the moment I come to a full stop in the middle of a highway. And when it’s all over, I walk away in amazement at the monster I became as if had no say in the matter.

Nonetheless, my mind argues that road rage is righteous.

What follows?

I engage the voice in my head as Epictetus would have us do in order to master our inner dialogue.

This applies to whatever it is in your own life that ignites your rage.

Let’s pretend, mind, that you should blame the universe. Let’s walk down this path and see what we find. You sit and rail and curse and raise your blood pressure. Instead of owning your failure to remain in command of yourself, you shift blame to the cosmos, the thing that gave you your time here on earth, and that you then spit on in return.

And the end result? While the lady in the next car over is smiling in serenity as she listens to her podcast, you sit there inside of your head, stewing in your anger, waiting in standstill all the same. Her emotions are in check and yours are not; she’s at one with the universe and you’re cursing it.

The voice inside of my head counters with, “That’s not fair. I can change the outcome by getting there faster if I want. I can weave in and out of the docile fools waiting in line; I can drive on the curb; I can cut them off.”

Yes, and when you’re at a steak house you can walk around and grab that man’s steak with one fist and that woman’s mashed potatoes in another and shove it all in your mouth, lick your fingers, and look around the room for some shiny object to slip in your pocket.

What? Do you still want to “get there faster”?

And the voice replies, “I could be doing so many other things than sitting here.”

Well flip it around and turn your brain on. Think of all the things you could be doing right now instead of lamenting “if only I were somewhere else”. You’re not using this blessed moment to full advantage.

If you come to a full stop, Google a sentence of ancient wisdom on your phone and memorize it while you’re sitting here. Think about what you did poorly today and ask yourself, “what error of judgement led me to act that way?” Think about how much worse life could be outside of sitting in this traffic: cancer, starvation, poverty – actual suffering.

How will you endure existential struggles in silence if you mutter and scream in the depths of your soul at the sight of a line of cars stretching off into the distance?

To which my mind replies, “It’s just a bout of anger – what’s the big deal?”

The big deal is that you could have lost your life doing the other thing you’d rather be doing, or you might lose your life at the end of this drive. How then would you rather spend this exact moment? Thinking – falsely – that every other human being on earth is as mired in anger over this trivial bullshit as you are? What evidence exists for this?

Show me, because I don’t see ravenous wolves chomping their jaws behind the wheels of every other car in my immediate vicinity. Yes, there are some of those wolves, but they’re memorable precisely because they are so few, and they’re memorable because they look and act like they’re insane, like they’ve lost all control, like this whole traffic thing is too much for them to handle.

And the voice in my head says, “That’s different. I know full well that I'm angry. I'm in control of it.”

Are you? When you woke up this morning, did you say to yourself, “I fully intend to treat everyone around me as wretchedly as I can”? Did you say to yourself, “I’ve decided I’m going to lose my temper over every insignificant obstacle that gets in my way today”?

If you were actually in command, and if you had actually primed yourself to handle every situation that can arise with the most intense and radical calm, then there wouldn’t be any anger for you to take “control of” in the first place.

What then?

I’m watching you enslave yourself in real time to every irrational thought that erupts inside of your skull.

Epictetus would mercilessly interrogate his students over their failures to dedicate themselves to the three main Stoic fields of study, and right now, I too am failing all three:

• Desire: Am I abiding by those desires that are in accordance with Nature? No.

• Action: Am I authorizing those actions that make me useful to Mankind? No.

• Judgment: Am I approving only those thoughts that are in line with Reason? No.

Every time you sit in your vehicle - or place yourself in a position you know ignites your fury - is a test.

What will you do now?

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